I recently changed my job title to full time photographer/stay @ home mama.
Things have fell perfectly into place and I am over the heels in love with this new life.
Everyday I fall more & more in love with this little pipsqueak.
She makes my life so complete and these last few weeks home
with her has definitely proved this true.
It is almost like we are both completely different people!
So many moments & memories missed. NO MORE!
I am trying to document each moment so I will have these memories forever.
And at the same time, I am trying to focus my full attention on just me & Summer.
7.09.2014
2.16.2014
well here it is....
I have wanted to get back into this blog for quite some time now.
mostly because this was the place I said things
I didn't always say out loud.
and this.... these things I have never really said out loud
(I guess I'm still not- I'm writing)
are something I have needed to get out.
last year- this month-
Summer ran out of our room to rockstar daddy sitting on the couch.
she was holding the indicator to the growth of our little family.
something that took me by complete surprise.
when we decided to have rockstar babies... it took a little time.
best thing I have ever waited for
so when after only 2 months of trying this time,
and that screen flashed "pregnant", I was beyond happy.
I was ECSTATIC.
I did not have an easy pregnancy with Summer.
she made every moment of my pregnant life absolutely miserable.
(until she kicked those little toes into my belly. that was pure bliss)
but I threw up every day, multiple times a day.
I had sharp pains from early on.
And you remember, I went on maternity @ 5 months.
No Bueno!
But the love I had already had for that tiny little being inside me,
had made every sick minute well worth it.
I was in love from the moment I held that first positive test in my hand.
(and possibly even before then)
Well it only made sense that I was miserable x5 with this one
that was so easy to bring into this world.
I was terribly sick.
More than the throwing up and pains.
I was depressed. I wasn't me.
We had our first sonogram in December.
Ben met me at the dr with Summer.
We wanted to introduce her to her new rockstar baby.
And there it was.
The first tech had trouble finding "a good picture of the baby"
She grabbed a more experience tech.
She had the same trouble.
They attempted an internal.
Nothing.
They didn't look like two professionals who just weren't having luck that night.
They looked like two sad puppies who couldn't tell this new growing little family,
that they couldn't find their baby.
We left with their words of encouragement that the doctor would reschedule when I was further along.
I was probably just earlier in the pregnancy than they thought.
That had to be it.
I'm a mom. And I know my body.
That wasn't it.
Ben told me not to overreact.
If there was something wrong, someone would have called us and told us.
They wouldn't have let us go home with false hopes.
I'm a mom. And I know my body.
I wasn't overreacting.
A couple of days later,
I finally broke down to my mom and told her what happened.
I told her I didn't want to worry her, but I knew there was something wrong.
Despite my pleas for her not to.
She called the doctor. Who was delivering a baby. She was to call us as soon as she was out.
I decided to go home.
I was pregnant and hormonal and probably overreacting.
I was a half of a mile away from my door step.
My phone rang and the caller id flashed blocked.
(if you know me, if my called id doesn't recognize you, I do not answer)
I answered.
I barely said hello.
The only thing I remember hearing after that ....
"I'm sorry, I'm just so sorry"
The next week was a blurr.
Life was flashing by. But I didn't move.
My mind moved 8000 miles a minute and not at all.
All at once.
I didn't want to talk to anybody. Or see anybody.
I didn't want anyone to say sorry or look at me with sympathetic eyes.
I didn't want to hear others similar stories. Or hear they knew how I felt.
No one knew how I felt.
And not because my pregnancy was more significant than someone elses'
Or I loved my baby more.
It was actually the opposite.
And I couldn't feel guiltier for it.
I wrote this a couple of months ago and it sat in my drafts. I was waiting for me to be ready. With the sadness/amazingness of today, I felt I needed to talk about it. Tell my story. The story that has made me a stronger person and a better mother. A story that has shown me the amount of love and support I have from my rockstar husband, my family and friends. <3 i="">
baby.
This is the hardest thing I have ever and will ever write. I hope.
Today, I had a twins maternity shoot. It was a pretty perfect day. Except, one week ago, the mama emailed me to inform me, one of the two babies was not going to make it past delivery. She still wanted to schedule the maternity session, to celebrate the one life and to remember the other. My heart sank as I read those words.
This hit hard. A year ago this past December, we lost our little baby. Something I had not really openly spoke about, let alone published. We tried for quite awhile before having Summer. So when we found out we were pregnant, we were ecstatic.
But then something didn't feel right. There was a large difference between when I found out I was pregnant with Summer to this pregnancy. I had shouted from the roof tops to anyone who would listen my first pregnancy. The second not so much. And I had completely attributed it to being my second child. Nothing is as exciting as the first time. I felt major guilt. I was sick. Really sick. And unlike with Summer, I did not have the attitude that it was all worth it for that baby I would meet one day. It was really different. And then I felt more guilt. Because I just didn't love this baby the way I swooned over Summer during pregnancy. I felt like an awful person.
I really knew after the first sonogram. It took 3 people to find the baby. And even then, we left without pictures. The techs seemed nervous and fidgety. But no one said a word. I left the building in tears. My husband thought I was crazy and over-reacting. I knew there was something wrong.
After 2 days, my mom finally called the office because I was such a mess. And everyone kept reassuring me, "no news is good news, if something was wrong they definitely would have contacted you right away". My mom knew me better. She knew me. As for everyone else, they were wrong. Someone contacted me, but not until we called first.
A moment that will be burned into my brain forever. I was driving home, on the corner to turn onto my road. I pulled over. And I sat there for 20 minutes- and what seemed like a lifetime. My poor Summer sitting in the back seat puzzled and scared. I can still feel that knife tearing feeling in my stomach.
Somedays I think Summer may be an only child. At one time, this would have made me angry and hurt. I have to look at it as everything happens for a reason. Maybe I only have enough room in my heart for Summer and my little rockstar family. Maybe I love so passionately and so deeply, that I can only focus it on the people who are already in my life. Or maybe one day, we will be blessed with another.
Today, I had a twins maternity shoot. It was a pretty perfect day. Except, one week ago, the mama emailed me to inform me, one of the two babies was not going to make it past delivery. She still wanted to schedule the maternity session, to celebrate the one life and to remember the other. My heart sank as I read those words.
This hit hard. A year ago this past December, we lost our little baby. Something I had not really openly spoke about, let alone published. We tried for quite awhile before having Summer. So when we found out we were pregnant, we were ecstatic.
But then something didn't feel right. There was a large difference between when I found out I was pregnant with Summer to this pregnancy. I had shouted from the roof tops to anyone who would listen my first pregnancy. The second not so much. And I had completely attributed it to being my second child. Nothing is as exciting as the first time. I felt major guilt. I was sick. Really sick. And unlike with Summer, I did not have the attitude that it was all worth it for that baby I would meet one day. It was really different. And then I felt more guilt. Because I just didn't love this baby the way I swooned over Summer during pregnancy. I felt like an awful person.
I really knew after the first sonogram. It took 3 people to find the baby. And even then, we left without pictures. The techs seemed nervous and fidgety. But no one said a word. I left the building in tears. My husband thought I was crazy and over-reacting. I knew there was something wrong.
After 2 days, my mom finally called the office because I was such a mess. And everyone kept reassuring me, "no news is good news, if something was wrong they definitely would have contacted you right away". My mom knew me better. She knew me. As for everyone else, they were wrong. Someone contacted me, but not until we called first.
A moment that will be burned into my brain forever. I was driving home, on the corner to turn onto my road. I pulled over. And I sat there for 20 minutes- and what seemed like a lifetime. My poor Summer sitting in the back seat puzzled and scared. I can still feel that knife tearing feeling in my stomach.
Somedays I think Summer may be an only child. At one time, this would have made me angry and hurt. I have to look at it as everything happens for a reason. Maybe I only have enough room in my heart for Summer and my little rockstar family. Maybe I love so passionately and so deeply, that I can only focus it on the people who are already in my life. Or maybe one day, we will be blessed with another.
12.29.2013
new year- 2014!
New Year. New Thoughts. New Ways.
I guess this is a pretty popular post these days.
I try not to make "resolutions" per say.
This year I am experimenting in a project.
A pay it forward type of adventure.
Each week, i have to do one good deed.
This is something I already try and do once a day.
I will be honest with myself and you, it doesn't always happen.
So this project is one I am holding myself too.
Not so much just holding doors and smiling.
(altho these will be regulars)
Something worth writing stories about.
One post a week capturing each deed.
I have a lot of big things happening this year.
Some of which include more community outreach.
I can't wait to collaborate 2 things that I love to do and are close to my heart.
I will be launching my photo business full force
while at the same time using it to give back to the community as much as I can.
This will definitely be a new year for me and my little family.
I cannot wait to ride out these adventures and see what comes our way.
I cannot wait to watch Summer grow even bigger and older this year.
This past year was definitely something special.
Next year, it will be spectacular.
12.04.2013
some dreams are slowly (but very quickly) coming true.
i found out last month that i would be getting some office/studio space for my photo business.
this is something that i never really thought was possible.
not just the studio scenario, but the whole photo business thing.
this year, business boomed. and next year looks like it will blow this year away.
i have set a personal goal.
this business will be my full time passion come next spring.
i will give up the secure safe job.
and i am terrified.
i have never been 100% self employed.
i've never even been on unemployment.
i have been working a steady full time job since i was 17.
part time since i was 14.
babysitting since i was 11.
i like working.
i am good at it.
i am motivated and i love to watch things come together.
obviously there are plenty of days i just do not want to go to work.
but for the most part, i like to work.
i am leaving the known and going to places i have never been.
i am turning my back on this "work life" i have created.
more than anything. i have wanted more & more to be at home with my baby.
(who isn't really a baby baby, but she will always be my baby)
so as much as i like to work, i like being a mom 10 times over.
so i have given myself a goal of March 1st.
(a stretch goal of February 1)
both of which may be highly unrealistic.
but i like to work, so here i have something to work for.
and this will be perfect.
i will spend more time with my baby.
and i will spend more time doing what i absolutely LOVE to do.
and i will make money to do all of the above.
(now as long as i make enough money, i will be set)
for now, my studio space will be step one.
i move in january 1st.
and the moment i am in, i will be sharing a thousand and one pictures.
well, wish me luck!
i found out last month that i would be getting some office/studio space for my photo business.
this is something that i never really thought was possible.
not just the studio scenario, but the whole photo business thing.
this year, business boomed. and next year looks like it will blow this year away.
i have set a personal goal.
this business will be my full time passion come next spring.
i will give up the secure safe job.
and i am terrified.
i have never been 100% self employed.
i've never even been on unemployment.
i have been working a steady full time job since i was 17.
part time since i was 14.
babysitting since i was 11.
i like working.
i am good at it.
i am motivated and i love to watch things come together.
obviously there are plenty of days i just do not want to go to work.
but for the most part, i like to work.
i am leaving the known and going to places i have never been.
i am turning my back on this "work life" i have created.
more than anything. i have wanted more & more to be at home with my baby.
(who isn't really a baby baby, but she will always be my baby)
so as much as i like to work, i like being a mom 10 times over.
so i have given myself a goal of March 1st.
(a stretch goal of February 1)
both of which may be highly unrealistic.
but i like to work, so here i have something to work for.
and this will be perfect.
i will spend more time with my baby.
and i will spend more time doing what i absolutely LOVE to do.
and i will make money to do all of the above.
(now as long as i make enough money, i will be set)
for now, my studio space will be step one.
i move in january 1st.
and the moment i am in, i will be sharing a thousand and one pictures.
well, wish me luck!
10.29.2013
summer's big break
since this chic was just an itty bitty
family, friends and complete strangers have been telling me to get her into modeling.
obviously everyone thinks their child is superstar worthy
(as they should)
but it's a pretty amazing feeling to hear others say the same.
that being said,
i was completely against it.
i wanted nothing to do with child modeling.
i had nightmares of toddlers & tiaras and dance moms in my head.
i would not be that mom, and she would not be that girl.
and now after sleepless nights
and countless talks with rockstar husband.
we have decided to give this a go.
(college isn't getting any cheaper, ya know?)
so i sent pictures out to a few different agencies,
and i heard back from 2 of them within 24 hours!
i was shocked.
so i had to meet with them.
i took summer into the city on saturday to meet with the first.
we ran late and almost missed the train.
((running with a toddler and diaper bag and heavy camera is quite the workout))
it was a little bit of a hectic trip,
but then we were there
(and a super crazy thing happened when we first got to the city, but a story for another time)
and like all the crazy moms on those reality shows,
i sat there with knots in my stomach nervous for what was to come.
nervous they would tell me she wasn't what they were looking for.
and i imagined standing up and verbally abusing every agent in there.
and even worse,
nervous they would want her.
then what?
then she would be a model and there was no turning back.
a little background.
summer is pretty advanced for her age
she communicates and speaks like a 5-6 yr old
it's actually pretty incredible.
but she is, also, terribly shy around new people.
like stuck to my leg, head buried kind of shy.
so i thought well they will see her and might think she is cute,
but it will probably be an issue when she won't look at them long enough to even snap a picture.
then we get to our appt.
there are 10 other aspiring models and actors waiting in the room with us.
and here my little introvert climbs out of her shell.
she is singing and talking to everyone.
using her big words and sophisticated sentences.
and all i could think was,
where is my child???
i mean this is what i'm used to when it's just the family,
but not in this atmosphere.
and there i sat thinking,
yeah we got this in the bag.
we get to the room to take the polaroids.........
and the agent is reading her application with the most disappointed face.
summer is too young for their agency.
my heart sank,
and i guessed- so did the agent's.
she assured me we would get a call before her 3rd birthday to come back.
and then assured me, there would be no way she wouldn't be signed with another agency by then.
good news, i suppose.
it was a great day though.
any day spent with this lady.....
is nothing short of amazing.
good news of the day,
the second agency is working on a GAP kids campaign
and the same day i sent her pictures in,
was their deadline.
so without even meeting us they sent her pictures to them.
and we meet with them this week.
everything happens for a reason, right?
family, friends and complete strangers have been telling me to get her into modeling.
obviously everyone thinks their child is superstar worthy
(as they should)
but it's a pretty amazing feeling to hear others say the same.
that being said,
i was completely against it.
i wanted nothing to do with child modeling.
i had nightmares of toddlers & tiaras and dance moms in my head.
i would not be that mom, and she would not be that girl.
and now after sleepless nights
and countless talks with rockstar husband.
we have decided to give this a go.
(college isn't getting any cheaper, ya know?)
so i sent pictures out to a few different agencies,
and i heard back from 2 of them within 24 hours!
i was shocked.
so i had to meet with them.
i took summer into the city on saturday to meet with the first.
we ran late and almost missed the train.
((running with a toddler and diaper bag and heavy camera is quite the workout))
it was a little bit of a hectic trip,
but then we were there
(and a super crazy thing happened when we first got to the city, but a story for another time)
and like all the crazy moms on those reality shows,
i sat there with knots in my stomach nervous for what was to come.
nervous they would tell me she wasn't what they were looking for.
and i imagined standing up and verbally abusing every agent in there.
and even worse,
nervous they would want her.
then what?
then she would be a model and there was no turning back.
a little background.
summer is pretty advanced for her age
she communicates and speaks like a 5-6 yr old
it's actually pretty incredible.
but she is, also, terribly shy around new people.
like stuck to my leg, head buried kind of shy.
so i thought well they will see her and might think she is cute,
but it will probably be an issue when she won't look at them long enough to even snap a picture.
then we get to our appt.
there are 10 other aspiring models and actors waiting in the room with us.
and here my little introvert climbs out of her shell.
she is singing and talking to everyone.
using her big words and sophisticated sentences.
and all i could think was,
where is my child???
i mean this is what i'm used to when it's just the family,
but not in this atmosphere.
and there i sat thinking,
yeah we got this in the bag.
we get to the room to take the polaroids.........
and the agent is reading her application with the most disappointed face.
summer is too young for their agency.
my heart sank,
and i guessed- so did the agent's.
she assured me we would get a call before her 3rd birthday to come back.
and then assured me, there would be no way she wouldn't be signed with another agency by then.
good news, i suppose.
it was a great day though.
any day spent with this lady.....
is nothing short of amazing.
good news of the day,
the second agency is working on a GAP kids campaign
and the same day i sent her pictures in,
was their deadline.
so without even meeting us they sent her pictures to them.
and we meet with them this week.
everything happens for a reason, right?
10.24.2013
holy hiatus.
life happens pretty fast.
i feel like i am blinking and
there it goes.
well, folks.
i turned the big 2-9 last month.
i have vowed to make these next 12 (ok ok 11) months nothing short of amazing.
i even started a mini scrapbook to document my year of fabulous.
and of course the opening page states my *rules & resolutions* of life before 30.
and number one in there is to start blogging regularly. i miss my little blog family.
with all the other forms of social media today, i have lost touch with my blog world.
but here we are. and this year will be the best, yet to blog away.
quick recap:
this chic is 2 and a half years old..... when did that happen?
she is stubborn and cranky and whiny,
and sometimes just absolutely unreasonable.
((hellllooooo terrible twos))
but! i absolutely, positively love this girl with every ounce of my being.
i am even trying to figure every plan out to be a stay @ home mama-
and spend the most time i could absolutely spend with her.
this guy, he still has my heart
it may not be my whole heart anymore
but he has learned to share nicely.
i still manage to fall more in love with him by the minute.
watching him be "daddy" is his most attractive attribute.
he is a better father than i ever imagined.
i have really built up this little photo business of mine.
it is not so crazy that i have left my full time job, yet.
and don't tell my rockstar husband, but it is one of my *resolutions*
doing what i love and being home with my partner in crime??
SIGN ME UP!
-anyway- it is growing slowly, but faster than ever and i couldn't be more excited!
www.facebook.com/kateighjam www.kateighjam.com
((blog under construction. heavy construction))
we had a rough year, well some rough moments of the year.
but i have vowed....
remember more good moments than bad.
talk about the good instead of complaining about the bad.
and be grateful for everything life hands me.
not always easy, but always puts a smile on my face in the end.
life happens pretty fast.
i feel like i am blinking and
there it goes.
well, folks.
i turned the big 2-9 last month.
i have vowed to make these next 12 (ok ok 11) months nothing short of amazing.
i even started a mini scrapbook to document my year of fabulous.
and of course the opening page states my *rules & resolutions* of life before 30.
and number one in there is to start blogging regularly. i miss my little blog family.
with all the other forms of social media today, i have lost touch with my blog world.
but here we are. and this year will be the best, yet to blog away.
quick recap:
this chic is 2 and a half years old..... when did that happen?
she is stubborn and cranky and whiny,
and sometimes just absolutely unreasonable.
((hellllooooo terrible twos))
but! i absolutely, positively love this girl with every ounce of my being.
i am even trying to figure every plan out to be a stay @ home mama-
and spend the most time i could absolutely spend with her.
this guy, he still has my heart
it may not be my whole heart anymore
but he has learned to share nicely.
i still manage to fall more in love with him by the minute.
watching him be "daddy" is his most attractive attribute.
he is a better father than i ever imagined.
i have really built up this little photo business of mine.
it is not so crazy that i have left my full time job, yet.
and don't tell my rockstar husband, but it is one of my *resolutions*
doing what i love and being home with my partner in crime??
SIGN ME UP!
-anyway- it is growing slowly, but faster than ever and i couldn't be more excited!
www.facebook.com/kateighjam www.kateighjam.com
((blog under construction. heavy construction))
we had a rough year, well some rough moments of the year.
but i have vowed....
remember more good moments than bad.
talk about the good instead of complaining about the bad.
and be grateful for everything life hands me.
not always easy, but always puts a smile on my face in the end.
4.14.2012
Life
I just can't say it enough.
I absolutely love being a mom.
I've been thinking a lot about it lately.
I love waking up to her in the morning.
I love when she say mama when she is so so excited.
I love when she cries mama as if I'm the only one who will make it all better.
I love that smile with all those little teeth.
I love the feeling I get when I realize how imortant my life is now.
I hold her life in my hands.
I was told month 8 baby fever for #2 will kick in.
Month 8 came and went.
Nothing.
Well, month 11......
I am burning up.
It's all I can think about.
Part of me knows we're not there, yet.
The other part of me is absolutely dying inside knowing there's not another peanut growing there.
But I'm scared.
It doesn't feel possible for me to love anyone the way I love summer.
It can't be.
She is the reason for every smile that crosses my face.
Am I ready to give up all our mommy and me time?
Is it fair to her?
Am I ready for the sleepless nights, the complete dependency,
the newborness all over again?
Summer is independent, walks where she wants to go, comuunicates to us what she needs.
She eats "big people" food.
She's near perfect where she's at.
Maybe her being so amazing makes it worse.
How much more fun would it be to have 2 bursts of amazing running around the house?
I absolutely love being a mom.
I've been thinking a lot about it lately.
I love waking up to her in the morning.
I love when she say mama when she is so so excited.
I love when she cries mama as if I'm the only one who will make it all better.
I love that smile with all those little teeth.
I love the feeling I get when I realize how imortant my life is now.
I hold her life in my hands.
I was told month 8 baby fever for #2 will kick in.
Month 8 came and went.
Nothing.
Well, month 11......
I am burning up.
It's all I can think about.
Part of me knows we're not there, yet.
The other part of me is absolutely dying inside knowing there's not another peanut growing there.
But I'm scared.
It doesn't feel possible for me to love anyone the way I love summer.
It can't be.
She is the reason for every smile that crosses my face.
Am I ready to give up all our mommy and me time?
Is it fair to her?
Am I ready for the sleepless nights, the complete dependency,
the newborness all over again?
Summer is independent, walks where she wants to go, comuunicates to us what she needs.
She eats "big people" food.
She's near perfect where she's at.
Maybe her being so amazing makes it worse.
How much more fun would it be to have 2 bursts of amazing running around the house?
3.04.2012
In a {nutshell}
*waves bye bye* says mama dada baba mom mom and pop pop* blows kisses not well but there's an attempt* walks holding on to anything she can* walks by herself until she realizes she's not holding on* pulls herself up* completely bypassed crawling* eats big girl food* gives high fives* shakes hands* loves her puppy oh so much* and has a mommy and daddy that think she is the world*
6.09.2011
5.27.2011
i love my life.
Summer Ashlee Jamieson is here!
she was born on may 12, 2011.
and i have never been more in love.
she seriously lights up my life.
i guess everyone says that after they have a baby.
and i guess i never tuly understood it until now.
i truly love her.
with every ounce of my heart.
she is the most amazing baby.
absolutely amazing!
and her daddy.
he is the most adorable thing ever.
he is so in love with her.
which in turn makes me so in love with him.
we were lucky enough to have 2 full weeks together with her.
and i have never seen a guy so proud to be a dad.
and he is the best dad.
everything is so surreal
and i still can't believe this is really happening.
<3
4.01.2011
it has been a long journey.
spent countless hours, days really. no months!
looking through a ridiculous amount of books, downloading every app,
& checking out EVERY website possible.
But we finally did it.
we decided on a name for this little peanut.
{one we had pre books, apps, & websites might i add}
sUmmEr jAmiEsOn
so we officially have a name.
it is such a relief.
i love calling her by her name
even more so, i love hearing rockstar husband say it.
its amazing how in love we are already.
i didnt think i could fall any more in love with rockstar husband,
i proved myself wrong yet again.
this has been such an amazing journey in our relationship.
and i know there's so much more in our future.
Now let's all wish for Summer to get here!!
{in every sense of the name}
3.10.2011
its friday. and truth is, im in love
i have been home for a month now.
i was forced out on early maternity.
in some ways it was a blessing,
i was in a super stressful job that would have made this whole experience miserable.
not the topic though.
i am lucky enough to be able to spend everyday with my mom
& my uber cute niece.
my mom watches her everyday for my brother.
she is 2.
she is fresh. she is in her terrible 2's. she doesn't talk yet.
and she is the cutest thing to walk this planet.
and i absolutely love that i get the opportunity to spend everyday with her.
honestly, all this time i spend with her
makes me even more anxious for my lil cuddle bug to come.
but for now, we are having tons of fun.
3.01.2011
what snow?
i would like to be here again.
with all this snow and rain
i cant help but to daydream about a warmer place
a tropical place.
a place that is very close to my heart.
this is where we honeymooned.
altho there were unfortunate moments of the week,
i would go back in a heart beat.
i can't wait to someday bring rockstar baby here
so she can see and fall in love the way we did.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)