chasing the invisible.

everyone has fears.
things that scare people so much it almost makes them sick.
for some its spiders or needles. 
and for some its being alone. 
i have been pretty blessed.
critters don't bother me. i take needles like a champ. 
and i am surrounded by loved ones who make it impossible to ever
feel lonely.

i do have one fear. 
that eats away at me. day in and day out. 
im afraid to be ordinary. 
to be typical. 
i fear growing old and not being able to take pride in everything i did. 

don't get me wrong. 
in so many ways i am very happy with my life. 
i LOVE my rockstar husband.
and we are lucky enough to be a mom and dad in a few short months. 
we have so much to be grateful for. 

but i cant help but to think.....
what am i doing with my life?
i am a very ambitious and motivated individual. 
that's not the problem. 
chasing the dream would be no sweat. 
but..... what is the dream?

i don't know what my dream is. 
depending on the day i change my mind. 
i know i have written about this so many times before, 
but now with rockstar baby on the way, 
it has me in panic mode. 
its not longer just me and husband to worry about. 

i need to really consider what i want to be doing. 
and will it make sense?
will we make enough money to keep our little family comfortable?
will it be super exciting and somewhat non stressful?
will it leave me enough time to completely spoil baby?
will i see my husband enough?
will i be happy?
and everytime i think i have it. 
something else sounds so much more spectacular. 
i want someone to tell me 
"this is what you need to be doing with your life"
"this is what you're good at"
i have two months to figure life out. 

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