baby.

This is the hardest thing I have ever and will ever write. I hope. 

Today, I had a twins maternity shoot. It was a pretty perfect day. Except, one week ago, the mama emailed me to inform me, one of the two babies was not going to make it past delivery. She still wanted to schedule the maternity session, to celebrate the one life and to remember the other. My heart sank as I read those words.

This hit hard. A year ago this past December, we lost our little baby. Something I had not really openly spoke about, let alone published. We tried for quite awhile before having Summer. So when we found out we were pregnant, we were ecstatic.

But then something didn't feel right. There was a large difference between when I found out I was pregnant with Summer to this pregnancy. I had shouted from the roof tops to anyone who would listen my first pregnancy. The second not so much. And I had completely attributed it to being my second child. Nothing is as exciting as the first time. I felt major guilt. I was sick. Really sick. And unlike with Summer, I did not have the attitude that it was all worth it for that baby I would meet one day. It was really different. And then I felt more guilt. Because I just didn't love this baby the way I swooned over Summer during pregnancy. I felt like an awful person.

I really knew after the first sonogram. It took 3 people to find the baby. And even then, we left without pictures. The techs seemed nervous and fidgety. But no one said a word. I left the building in tears. My husband thought I was crazy and over-reacting. I knew there was something wrong.

After 2 days, my mom finally called the office because I was such a mess. And everyone kept reassuring me, "no news is good news, if something was wrong they definitely would have contacted you right away". My mom knew me better. She knew me. As for everyone else, they were wrong. Someone contacted me, but not until we called first.

A moment that will be burned into my brain forever. I was driving home, on the corner to turn onto my road. I pulled over. And I sat there for 20 minutes- and what seemed like a lifetime. My poor Summer sitting in the back seat puzzled and scared. I can still feel that knife tearing feeling in my stomach.

Somedays I think Summer may be an only child. At one time, this would have made me angry and hurt. I have to look at it as everything happens for a reason. Maybe I only have enough room in my heart for Summer and my little rockstar family. Maybe I love so passionately and so deeply, that I can only focus it on the people who are already in my life. Or maybe one day, we will be blessed with another.